So, in the spirit of Mental Health Awareness Week, I am using my “grandiose phase” to write an entry about my doctor appointment today!
I have officially been diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder instead of just depression and anxiety disorder. So, what has been happening this last couple of months is that I was in (my first) full blown hypomania phase. Then I had to come down from it. This is not normal, and so won’t happen often. It’s basically when everything in me and around me becomes super intense, and it takes longer to recover from. It was triggered by being on too high of a dose of my medication. I am now in a slightly more normal “Grandiose” phase, which means I have a lot of energy and excitement, and feel like i can do anything (within reason). This also means that this weekend I will probably have no energy and will get nothing done, which will trigger my depression phase.
Notice the pattern? A week of getting a lot done and feeling excited about a productive weekend, only to do nothing that weekend and then feel depressed about it? This is how I’ve been all of my life, and now that I can see it, it makes so much more sense.
So, hopefully now that I have this official diagnosis, we can get me on the right amount of meds that everything evens out. No Grandiose phase=no crash=no depression phase.
So why do I have Bipolar II and no Bipolar I (aka just Bipolar)? Because if I had Bipolar I, I might have had a Mania phase instead. Those happen often with Bipolar I (I would have had at least one by now, if not more), and usually result in a lot of risk taking behavior, like excessive drinking, sex, money spending (especially when you don’t have any), and just doing stuff that you normally wouldn’t do, and would likely regret once you can out of it. Mania episodes usually last long, and you crash harder, making them harder to recover from.
I’m actually lucky, because my hypomania phases are barely there, and they only last a week instead of potentially months, so I usually recover from them in a couple days. Now that I’m medicated, they shouldn’t even happen, so while I won’t have crazy energy and excitement, I will have have some, and I won’t need to recover from them.
What does this mean for my readers? Hopefully this means my writing will go back to how it was in March, before my intense hypomania phase. I can’t promise anything, since we’re still figuring the meds out, but that is the goal.