Depression is not always about being sad.
I have absolutely no energy or motivation today. I’m able to make myself work on writing stuff and knitting, but even then I still have to convince my body to actually pick the required materials up, and then my mine to focus on them. Am I sad? Nope, I’m actually feeling pretty content, but my body is like, nope.
Now, some people might call this “being lazy”. Heck, my husband thought the same thing until he understood what was really happening. That my body is making every move a struggle, and that, as I sit here, thinking about all the things I should be doing, that needs doing, I’m fighting guilt that I’m a horrible wife, and a disappointment. That guilt will eventually eat at me until my brain succumbs to it, and I end up in tears over a silly comment my husband makes, not realizing what I’ve been doing to myself all day.
Being aware of what’s happening only makes it worse sometimes. I know what’s going to happen, and yet I still can’t make myself make my body move. This will add to the guilt, which will add to the explosion that will eventually follow. God willing, it won’t happen at work tonight (which it has a few times, but was contained to the bathroom or my car, and was not actually related to what was said to me.)
This is why medication and mental health care is so important. Once my meds are figured out, these dark days will lessen, and be less serious. Everyone has bad days, so I will still have them, but they won’t be the kind that make me feel like the world would be better without me. But I don’t have to feel this way, and you don’t either.